First I would like start off by saying that you don’t have to worry about me killing myself, I would never want to harm anybody in the process and effect the lives of others in such a negative and abusive way. I love the people in my life far too much to do something that selfish regardless of how selfish I can be in every other aspect of my life. With that said let’s get started….
I have for as long as I can think of suffered from such crippling depression, anxiety, and a lack of self esteem that the thought of ending my life has occurred more often then I normally care to admit to. This is NOT a cry for attention or sympathy, I EXPECT people to get pissed off at me for this entry and for people to possibly be hurt by what I say (mostly my immediate family). If you get upset or hurt by this then I am sorry.
Like I said before I have depression, very severe depression that I don’t let a lot of people in on, on just how deep this goes or how tired I become from fighting it everyday. You know those people that suffer from it so deeply that they cannot even get out of bed; yup that’s me, the problem I have is that I am too proud or too stupid to let myself stay in bed all day because I will not let those feelings I have be justified. I have tried several over the counter medications; with no avail they have never brought me any relief what so ever. Honestly the only drug that ever helped me cope with these feelings just numbed me for a time was Marijuana.
When my thoughts of suicide come up I never honestly think of what I would do or when, planning it out honestly scares me because that means I am allowing those thoughts to take hold and take these intense feelings to a whole new level I never want to be on. Life no matter how ugly it can get, how lonely it can get, how hopeless it can get will NEVER break me down to that point that I will ever give in to those thoughts.
Now when these feelings come up I have thoughts that accompany them, these come up for various reasons, some related to people, some related to how I think my life should have turned out and didn’t, the mistakes I’ve made and the people I’ve hurt in the process, even if that person was myself; because really self abuse is the worst thing you can really do besides abusing your child.
Here are some of the thoughts I’ve had in my life that bring on these feelings or that come into my head because of these feelings.
First and foremost, 99% percent of the time I HATE myself, I do, I really do. I feel like I have totally failed myself in almost every way. If I had to face myself as a child I don’t think that I really could; I don’t think I could ever shake the sight of what I could only assume would be the most disappointed look ever given to me…..
And I don’t care what anybody says about “you can’t love someone until you love yourself”, that’s a load of crap; I know damn well I am capable of love and that I love a few people far deeper then I’ve ever loved myself, my wife is my case in point of this.
I love her so deeply that it often scares me because of when we fight or when I disappoint her which I feel like I do all the time; I feel like marrying her was me being selfish for loving her so much and wanting her so badly that I am screwing up her life. I often wonder if I should have just left her alone instead of pursuing her when I feel in love with her. I would never EVER give her up though, she means too much to me, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or if it’s because I am selfish in nature. Marrying her was one of the best things to happen to me and I cherish every moment that I am blessed to say that she is my wife, best friend and eternal companion.
Second would be my parents, I lived with them for almost 30 years before I was married. I feel as though from the time I graduated from High School until I was married all I was, was a leech sucking them dry of their money, freedom and happiness. I feel sometimes that if they had never have had me that they would have been much happier, I feel like I’ve been a cramp to their style. Those feelings intensified tenfold once I became a young “adult”, more like an old child that did more to cause them to work harder then to ever really help out with the household. A lot of the time I feel like most of their issues are because I’ve been burden and a source of much concern for them.
Third would be because of how crappy of a friend I can be to the people that are so close to me that I consider them family. Dustin Cooper and his family being the biggest example of this. I don’t know how many times I’ve hurt him in a various amount of ways. I never really supported him and helped him when needed, if I helped him and or his family it always seemed like they had to pull teeth in order to get me to. I don’t know how many times I’ve forgotten to do something for them, holidays and birthdays, no gifts, no calls. Far too concerned with living in my hole of a room in my parents house and smoking pot trying to avoid the world and everyone in it because I was so afraid of the pain that could be caused by being close. This goes with every other friend I’ve done and do this to (you know who you are). Secrets; even as shameful as they can be spilled by me on accident or on purpose, being judgmental to my friends, not trusting them and throwing them away when things got to rough. How is anybody really my friend when I am not a very good one in return, these people really are saints.
Fourth is honestly knowing that I am going to have a child. This one is odd to me; why should I have these feelings because I am finally getting one of the things I’ve wanted most in life? Probably because besides finding my wife and starting a family I feel like my life is a total failure and because of this I am going to end up ruining this child’s life. An innocent, precious gift from God whose heart beat is the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard in my life, the sound that would make me burn this whole world down to protect him/her. I have never loved someone so much that I’ve never met before. Please forgive me if I ruin your life, PLEASE!!!!!
Last but not least is first reason again; my life is nothing I dared dreamed it to be. I didn’t expect to end up this depressed all the time, struggling to feel anything positive half the time let alone anything at all sometimes. Why didn’t I go and finish school, why could I not put down a joint long enough, a bottle long enough, get my head straight just long enough in a day to just go to school for just a couple of hours. Why did I always have to settle for things I should have been mad at myself for?! I F—ing hate working for a faceless corporation, I hate working as a telemarketer, but it’s all I’ve ever done and it’s all I know how to do at this point. Why not go to school at this point? Because I feel stuck, I was also stupid enough to get into debt. Debt is now a crushing weight on not only me, but also on my beautiful wife so we need to make sure that in order to have someone home with the child. I either need to find a better higher paying job so she can quit and stay home, or we need to work opposite shifts so either way school seems out of the question. Why didn’t I do it earlier, why did I use the excuse of: I didn’t think I would be alive at 30 let alone married. That statement alone shows how high I think of myself and also how stupid my thinking is at times doesn’t it? Why did I ruin my body with drugs and alcohol? Why did I ruin the body that the child that I once was; the child who swore he would NEVER do those things; that child who’s face haunts me. Why did I spend my young adulthood wasting time with those things and secluding myself in a hole. Why didn’t I instead go out and enjoying myself, my friends, traveling all over, getting an education in life, and in anything else that might have been a benefit to me? Why didn’t I take a chance and quit those s–t jobs I’ve had instead of staying in the miserable security they bring?
And here is another question you the reader might be asking, the same question I ask myself. “what about the Gospel, the church, your belief in God and in a Savior of these things”? Well that one is tricky because people say all the time that I should be happier, that if you’re really living it you’ll be happy. To me sometimes these comments seem like nonsense; not because I have a lack of faith or anything but because, well I don’t know. I KNOW that Jesus Christ, the savior of my soul and of this sad heart of mine suffered everything that I suffer now in order to lessen the pain, He is with me when I suffer. I know that by being in covenants with Him and my God that I will be exalted and that my family will be with me, that my parents will have a chance to be with me if they so choose to do so once they pass. All of that is a great comfort and it should make me happy shouldn’t it? Really shouldn’t it? Then why doesn’t it? Do I not let it, do I block the happiness that the Holy Ghost is trying to give me by these feelings, is this my main trial in life? Who knows and who cares, it’s not going to change how I feel and what I know the truth is so let’s not worry about the whys and hows on this particular matter because deep down it’s not God’s fault that I’ve used my agency to screw up things in my life and to hurt others. What I do know is that through Him, I can’t erase these things, but I can become better. I just wish this was a overnight process and not a life long process.
Like I said before this isn’t a cry for help or attention and there is no need to worry about me. I’ve not had the most comfortable life, but I’ve had a far more comfortable life then plenty of others. Have I been hurt, picked on, been without, heart broken, left, alone, crying? Have I caused hurt and been the cause of those things mentioned before? An shouting YES to both. When others are starving, dying, dying to be held or loved just once, why is it me that doesn’t have it as bad as them that feels this way so deeply, so intensely? I honestly don’t know. All I know is no matter what happens, no matter how I may feel tomorrow, I will get out of bed and I live my life, this precious gift of mine.
|The little boys face the haunts me|